The Secret Life of GIR
by The Illustrious Crackpot
Summary: See the title if you want a summary. MY 20TH POST AND FIRST POST OF 2007!


**The Secret Life of GIR**

(The Illustrious Crackpot)

"—_deous_ HUMAN!!" Zim concluded, slamming shut the door to his base and stomping inside. "Just _without_ a word! _WITHOUT_ a word—oooh, that human and his stupid _geese!_" With a swift, furious motion, the alien swiped off his black human wig and tore out his contacts, blinking his large crimson eyes. "Can you _believe_ that, GIR?!" he demanded.

GIR was sitting upside-down on his head on the couch, watching _The Scary Monkey Show_ hypnotically and not responding. Zim made a grumbling noise, strutting over to the toilet in the corner as if to descend into his labs—then stopped short, his antennae quivering. He turned around and looked back at GIR. Sure enough, the little robot was sitting in the _exact same pose_ as he had seven hours ago when Zim had first left to go to Skool. Had GIR ever actually _moved_ all day?

Zim strode over to GIR, towering over the little robot. GIR looked up at his master, then waved emphatically as if he hadn't known that Zim had returned. "HIYA, MISTAH TACO!" GIR screamed, then with a small somersault turned right-side up and resumed watching TV.

"Saaaaaaaay, GIR..." Zim began slowly, cocking his head to the side, "what _do_ you do all day while I'm at the Skool-filth?"

GIR remained silent, blinking his blue robotic eyes and staring at the monkey on the TV screen.

* * *

_GIR sprinted all across the house, screaming his head off and laughing maniacally until he accidentally slammed into the armchair and collapsed, giggling, onto the floor. He sat there and twitched for a few minutes, then jumped back to his feet. Spotting the human telephone sitting on a nearby table, GIR shouted "AH'M GONNA PLAY WIT' DA TELLY-PHONE!" and, activating his rocket boosters, he zipped over the chair and to the phone. After standing motionless by it for a moment, GIR began slamming his head against the buttons, laughing hysterically. Seeing as this caused the receiver to fall off the hook, GIR quickly picked that up and stuffed it into his mouth. A dial tone emanated from the antenna on the top of his head, followed by a tinny yet still-audible voice._

"HI! This's station WXVQ, the only all-hamster radio station!"_ the voice chirped._ "Congratulations! You are our 987th and a half caller, making you the winner of this week's contest! YOU, Sir or Madam, are now LORD OF ALL MANKIND!"

_GIR spat the receiver out into his hand, a sad expression on his face. "Aaaaaaaaaaaw," he whined, "AGAIN?"_

_Dropping the phone back onto the hook, he hung up._

* * *

_With a shout of "WHEEEEEEEEEEEHAHAHA!!", GIR, holding a soggy, dripping burrito, jumped into the trash can leading to one of Zim's labs. The robot instantly descended into a large, red-hued room filled with a plethora of weird alien technology. Making truck noises, GIR jumped out of the elevator and danced in place, waving the burrito around like a toy airplane. When that got boring, though, GIR toddled over to a device that looked somewhat like a microwave._

"_OOOoooooOOOH! WASSAT?" he squealed, then tossed open the door on the apparatus and violently threw the messy burrito inside. "I'M A-COOKIN' THE BURRY-TO!" the little robot screamed. He slammed the door shut and poked random buttons, his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth._

_Immediately afterwards there was a blinding flash, and the machine vibrated from side to side. GIR watched on blankly. A tiny fist punched through the metal door, and a small burrito with arms and legs marched out of the microwaveish thing, followed by dozens of other animated burritos. They glanced about for a second, then small rockets on their feet started up and the platoon of burritos shot up into the air, crashing through the roof of Zim's lab and escaping to the world outside._

_For a minute, GIR remained staring up at the hole the burritos had made, then he screamed "I LIKE DOOKIE!" and ran off to who-knows-where._

* * *

_A strong-chinned, broad-shouldered news anchorman sat at his desk, shuffled his papers around and smiled winningly at a camera. "And that's all you'll ever need to know to defend yourself against flesh-eating bologna monsters," he announced. "In related news, it's just been reported that—"_

_Suddenly a small, green, doglike creature popped out of the newsman's coat and leaped onto the guy's head. "He-lloooooooooooo," GIR chirruped, ignoring the man's surprised screams. He rubbed the man's gray-black hair with his stubby "paws", then leaned down and smushed his head against the man's skull. "YER head feels like a BUNNY!"_

_After he was done with the newsman's head, GIR launched himself forwards and latched onto the camera, his face taking up the whole screen. "Wheeeeee! I'M IN THE TV!" he burbled, then flew backwards to land on his hind feet on the newsman's desk. The news anchor was still paralyzed in shock and fear. "Zim, my MASTER," GIR began again, clapping a little as he jumped up and down, "Mastah's an ALIEN, an' he's gonna DESTROY ALL THU' HUMANS! I like destroying!!" Whirling around to face the newsman, GIR screamed, "MONKEYS FER EVERYONE!!" as half a dozen monkeys suddenly jumped from various locations and dogpiled on the newsman._

_Pausing to kick the newsman's papers off the desk, GIR jumped out the window and flew away._

* * *

_A line of dark green, futuristic alien battle tanks were advancing across the horizon of a distant planet, firing lasers at a group of bloblike people, who were huddled behind force fields. "We can't hold out much longer!" cried a yellow female blob, cringing as a laser blast struck her force field and set it on fire._

"_We only have one hope left," a blue blob-person said grimly, watching the horizon._

"_HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY ORGANS!!" GIR screamed, out of his disguise, as he charged against the side of an enemy tank. He hefted a giant cannon onto one shoulder and poked a button rapidly, causing giant laser blasts to shoot out of the barrel and completely decimate the tanks. Within a minute, all that was left of the enemy was a trail of smoke._

"_THREE CHEERS FOR GIR!" cried the blob people, shutting off their force fields and flocking towards the little robot. Making a massive effort, they lifted him up onto their..."shoulders"...and tossed him into the air. GIR flew up for a while, then gravity overtook him and he shot straight back towards the ground. Unfortunately, having little or no limbs, the blob creatures couldn't catch him and so ended up squished horribly by the little robot. Sitting up, GIR looked around at the pile of bloblike goo surrounding him, shrugged, then began slurping it all up happily._

* * *

_Inside a shady-looking bar, middle-aged men suddenly looked up from their drinks as a spotlight fixed upon a stage near the back of the room. With barroom cries, they all vaulted out of their seats and sprinted over by the stage, hanging slightly back as if afraid, but close enough that they'd be able to see all that was going to happen._

_A long drumbeat started, and suggestive introductory music began as the curtain began slowly to rise. The middle-aged men cheered excitedly, practically foaming at the mouth as they swung their beer glasses around. Most of them were quite drunk, but all of them were quite enthusiastic._

_At last the curtain was fully raised, and standing in the middle of the stage was GIR in his puppy suit, waving his arms with an odd squeaking sound. The men looked at each other confusedly, scratching their heads. A steamy jazz solo began to play, and GIR stepped slowly forwards and then backwards on the stage (like in a slow-motion Hokey Pokey), grasping the zipper to his suit with one hand and gesturing airily with the other. As the crescendo of the solo came, though, GIR threw his head back, sending the doggy hood flopping off his metal cranium, pulled the zipper down and stepped provocatively out of the suit._

_Raising his arms over his head, GIR rotated in place for imaginary applause, then activated his rocket boosters and crashed through the roof, leaving the doggy suit and some stunned drunks behind._

* * *

_Somehow miraculously in the puppy suit again, GIR sat at a lab bench with Professor Membrane, staring at the Professor. Membrane was sweating nervously, poking a blob of greenish plasma with some sort of electricky...glowing...thing. Wiping his forehead with a towel that GIR handed to him (which was actually a sheet of aluminum foil—not that he noticed), Membrane picked up an eyedropper, took a sample of the plasma, then, still sweating with anticipation, released a single drop into a nearby petri dish. There was a small explosion._

"_THAT'S IT!" Membrane declared in his booming voice, spreading his arms. "I've found the cure for the common cold! And it's all thanks to YOU, mysterious dog-creature!"_

_GIR giggled. "FUN! Like a EMU!" he squealed, dancing._

* * *

_GIR toddled sedately through a green park in his robot guise, sucking on the corner of a digital clock and clutching the string of a germ-shaped balloon. All around him, sentient burritos stood on small hovercrafts and shot lasers at random screaming passerby. The little robot didn't even notice, instead humming a tuneless song that existed only inside his head as he made for a line of trees—most of which were on fire, but that detail doesn't quite matter._

_Just as he approached the flaming trees, a figure jumped out of the miniature forest and into GIR's path, grasping the robot by the shoulders. It was an Irken female, clothed in a tattered gray-purple Irken uniform and with a small metal cord stuck in her left temple. "I've FOUND you!" Tak cried, her purple eyes widening as she pulled the unresponsive GIR into a spine-crunching hug. "Oh, little SIR unit, I've pined for you ever since I saw you in that filthy __**ZIM**__'s base! Since I returned to Earth, I've been looking for you, without pause or rest!" She pushed GIR away, holding him at arm's length as burrito-caused destruction rampaged about them. "Oh, tiny SIR, come away with me! We shall DESTROY this puny mudball, and KILL Zim! Then, ohhhh, THEN, we can finally be TOGETHER!"_

_GIR blinked at Tak, then smiled widely. "HAPPY ARBOR DAY!" he cried, shoving the alarm clock and balloon into Tak's surprised hands and skipping away. Tak stared after him for a while, then fell to her knees._

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! STUPID ROBOT!"_

* * *

GIR looked back up at Zim, then stuck out his tongue. "Nothin'," he chirruped, then sat bolt-upright as the onscreen monkey moved.

Zim eyed him suspiciously for a moment, then shrugged and left to make some evil plans.

**:Message Truncated:**


End file.
